by JAMES TARANTO
Thursday, November 17, 2005 3:48 P.M. EST

Biden His Time
Extremists of the radical left are all abuzz about a 1985 memo in which Justice-designate Sam Alito described himself as "conservative" and said that Roe v. Wade was wrongly decided, a view that, as Tim Carney notes, many pro-abortion scholars and commentators share. The New York Times has a highly amusing quote from one senator:

"He said he was 35 when he wrote that," said Senator Joseph R. Biden Jr., Democrat of Delaware, after meeting with the judge. "I pointed out I had been a senator for five years when I was 35. No one says to me, 'Well, what you said in 1974 as a senator we can just forget.' "

So just for the heck of it, let's take a walk down memory lane--to 1988 and Biden's abortive campaign for president. This from a 1998 WashingtonPost.com feature by Larry Sabato:

Democratic presidential candidate Joseph R. Biden Jr., a U.S. senator from Delaware, was driven from the nomination battle after delivering, without attribution, passages from a speech by British Labor party leader Neil Kinnock. A barrage of subsidiary revelations by the press also contributed to Biden's withdrawal: a serious plagiarism incident involving Biden during his law school years; the senator's boastful exaggerations of his academic record at a New Hampshire campaign event; and the discovery of other quotations in Biden's speeches pilfered from past Democratic politicians.

Meanwhile, National Review's John Miller offers some excerpts from "A Time to Run," Sen. Barbara Boxer's new novel, in which "the central figure is a liberal Democratic senator from California . . . who must decide how she is going to respond to a Republican Supreme Court nomination." It sounds stupendously awful. Samples:

• "It had been a particularly intense day in [Senator Ellen Fischer's] D.C. office, with a steady stream of meetings, e-mails, and phone calls from organizations and constituents, all urging her to step up her opposition to Professor Frida Hernandez's nomination to the Supreme Court. There was little time left for any attempt to block the confirmation of the ultra-conservative professor. . . . Ellen, a member of the [Judiciary] committee, had sought to challenge the nominee's strongly suspected bias against Roe v. Wade. . . . Ellen knew that, once on the Court, Hernandez would help turn back the clock on Court decisions that Ellen believed were vital to the people."
  
  
• "That was a defining moment, when Ellen knew how she'd spend the rest of her life--that she'd been put here on earth to save its endangered children."
  
  
• "Town Hall for Kids was a project close to her heart, a planned forum in which young people might meet both with her and with selected public officials to discuss, in safe and neutral surroundings, not just the street problems confronting them every day, such as drugs, gangs, and the proliferation of guns, but ideas on how to make their town a better place to live. 'Talk to us!' she'd urge. 'Work with us and get involved. Let's find solutions together!' "

Then there's this sex scene:

A ton of finely tuned muscle, hide glistening, the crest of his mane risen in full sexual display, and his neck curved in an exaggerated arch that reminded Greg of a horse he'd seen in an old tapestry in some castle in Europe Jane had dragged him to. The stallion approached, nostrils flared, hooves lifting with delicate precision, the wranglers hanging on grimly. . . . The stallion rubbed his nose against the mare's neck and nuzzled her withers. She promptly bit him on the shoulder and, when he attempted to mount, instantly became a plunging devil of teeth and hooves. . . . Greg clutched the rails with white knuckles, wondering, as these two fierce animals were coerced into the majestic coupling by at least six people, how foals ever got born in the wild.

Maybe there's something to be said for plagiarism.

That's Incredible!
If this passage from an Associated Press dispatch doesn't crack you up, you have no sense of humor:

Sen. John Kerry[*], a Massachusetts Democrat who voted for invasion, said it's "hard to name a government official with less credibility on Iraq" than [Vice President] Cheney.

Really? What about the guy who voted for the war in October 2002; declared in March 2003, with Howard Dean nipping at his heels, that he was against the war; said in August 2004 that he would have voted for the war even if there had been no weapons of mass destruction; and is now joining the chorus of dupes claiming President Bush hoodwinked them into thinking there were weapons of mass destruction, while simultaneously arguing that there weren't enough troops and that there are too many?

In fairness, though, he explained it all in September 2003. Read this footnote:

* "The vote is the vote. I voted to authorize. It was the right vote, and the reason I mentioned the threat is that we gave the--we had to give life to the threat. If there wasn't a legitimate threat, Saddam Hussein was not going to allow inspectors in. Now, let me make two points if I may. Ed [Gordon] questioned my answer. The reason I can't tell you to a certainty whether the president misled us is because I don't have any clue what he really knew about it, or whether he was just reading what was put in front of him. And I have no knowledge whether or not this president was in depth--I just don't know that. And that's an honest answer, and there are serious suspicions about the level to which this president really was involved in asking the questions that he should've. With respect to the question of, you know, the vote--let's remember where we were. If there hadn't been a vote, we would never have had inspectors. And if we hadn't voted the way we voted, we would not have been able to have a chance of going to the United Nations and stopping the president, in effect, who already had the votes, and who was obviously asking serious questions about whether or not the Congress was going to be there to enforce the effort to create a threat. So I think we did the right thing. I'm convinced we did."

Great Minds Think Alike

"I don't want to diminish the threat of terrorism at all, it is extremely serious, but on a long-term global basis, global warming is the most serious problem we are facing."--Al Gore, quoted in the Melbourne, Australia, Age, Nov. 14

"Osama bin Laden wants the United States to convert to Islam, ditch its constitution, abolish banks, jail homosexuals and sign the Kyoto climate change treaty."--Daily Telegraph (London), Nov. 17

The New Clinton
Mickey Kaus has an interesting observation on Bill Clinton's Iraq waffling (ellipses in original):

Taking Clintonism to the next level! The old Clintonism: One Clinton succeeds in making both sides think he agrees with them. The new Clintonism: One Clinton pitches to one side while the other assuages the other side. Example: Hillary carefully maintains her appeal to pro-war voters while her husband denounces the war that she voted for as a "a big mistake." . . . A two-person straddle was needed because Hillary isn't gifted enough a talker to practice the old single-player Clintonism by herself. [Didn't they use this technique before--Bill said he was for "ending welfare as we know it" while liberals were allowed to hope that Marian Wright Edelman's friend Hillary would stop him?--ed True. But you didn't have Bill saying we should reform welfare while Hillary was out in public saying that would be a "big mistake." . . . Prediction: The new trick won't work. Hillary will come under added pressure because of her husband's remarks. ... The question is not just "Who has Hillary's ear." It's whether Hillary's ear or Bill's ear is the ear to have.

Indeed, Hillary is coming under pressure, which she so far is stonewalling, reports New York's Daily News:

[Mrs.] Clinton's spokesman Phillipe Reines repeatedly declined to say whether she agreed the war was a mistake. "Sen. Clinton has said repeatedly that she disagrees with the way the President has used the authority granted to him, and has been very critical of the way he has prosecuted the war," Reines said.

Bill Clinton, of course, had two advantages in 1992, when he successfully ran for president in the wake of the Gulf War: (1) as a governor, he had not had to take a position on the war, and (2) the war seemed to have been won, so that in any case it was not a big campaign issue. Hillary definitely won't have the first advantage, and her fellow Democrats are doing all they can to deny her the second.

The World's Smallest Violin
"Saddam Hussein was beaten up while he was being interrogated by a judge after he insulted two of the most revered figures in Shia Islam," London's Daily Telegraph reports:

Asked whether the shrines of the Imams Hussein and Abbas in the city had been attacked by Iraqi forces [during his regime], Saddam at first pretended not to know the two holy figures of Shia Islam.

But he then said: "Who do you mean? Those manayich [buggers]?" According to the Iraqi lawyer, two of the court's clerks who had been taking notes then lunged at the former dictator and started to punch him.

Saddam fought back until the judge succeeded in restoring order, but not before the ex-dictator's head was bruised. US guards posted outside the makeshift courthouse in Baghdad found the incident amusing and did not intervene, the lawyer claimed.

Oh no, more prisoner abuse! But Saddam was "insulting Islam," so maybe the sob sisters will give the Iraqi guards a break on this one.

Our Friends the Saudis
Saudi Arabia joins the World Trade Organization on Dec. 11, and the WTO's regulations forbid members from boycotting each other. So will the Saudis end their invidious boycott of WTO member Israel? Maybe, reports the Associated Press:

Even after the WTO's approval of its bid to join, Saudi Arabia was not rushing to announce an official end of the boycott.

A Saudi government statement obtained by The Associated Press on Wednesday said, "Upon the accession to the WTO, Saudi Arabia will give every member equal treatment according to the articles of the WTO agreements." It did not mention Israel specifically. . . .

Former Saudi Trade Minister Mohammed Abalkhair said joining the WTO does not necessary mean Saudi Arabia will drop the boycott.

"In trade negotiations, countries often don't compromise on issues of national sovereignty, security and principles. These agreements respect each country's concerns," he said.

The AP notes that three Arab Countries--Egypt, Jordan and Mauritania--have diplomatic relations with Israel, and another two, Oman and Qatar, have opened trade missions. "But economic dealings by all five remain low."

Great Moments in Liberal Economics

"The purchasing power of minimum wage is at an historic low. Coupled with the relatively high cost of living in New Jersey, the state's lower income workers are being pushed to the brink. Acting Governor [Richard] Codey believes all New Jerseyans deserve the fair proposition that an honest day's work should garner a living wage. Moreover, there is strong evidence that increasing the minimum wage also significantly improves quality of life--reducing hunger and increasing healthcare."--"State of the State Highlights," New Jersey government Web site, Jan. 11

"Several senior citizens working in non-profit and public organizations in Salem, Cumberland and Gloucester counties will face layoffs in December. Chris Davenport, executive director of Salem Main Street program, said the federally funded non-profit company Experience Works, which assists low-income senior citizens with job training and placement, has been forced to lay off seniors due to the increase in minimum wage."--Today's Sunbeam (Salem, N.J.), Nov. 17

What Would We Do Without Experts?
"Experts Say Fresh Foods Still Available in Winter"--headline, KOCO-TV Web site (Oklahoma City), Nov. 16

Why Then Is There No Healing for the Wound of My People?
"Roche, Gilead End Dispute Over Tamiflu"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 16

Say What?--I
"Storm Said Wiped Out Big Easy Job Growth"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 16

Say What?--II
"Beep Is Headed for Big Easy"--headline, New York Post, Nov. 16

When Tapeworms Need Counseling
"A Troubled Outlook for Parasites"--headline, New York Times, Nov. 15

The Average Bear
"Grizzlies Near Yellowstone May Lose Status"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 16

This Just In
"Quitting Smoking Saves Lives"--Reporter-Herald (Loveland, Colo.), Nov. 17

Bottom Story of the Day
"Belgium 'Scarcely on Shortlist of Investors' "--headline, expatica.com, Nov. 16

Lost in Translation
"Milton's Paradise Lost, one of the most sublime works of Western literature, was reduced to a four-line text message (txtmsg) yesterday with the blessing of the Lord Northcliffe professor emeritus of modern English literature at University College, London (fule)," reports London's Daily Telegraph:

It read: "Devl kikd outa hevn coz jelus of jesus&strts war.pd'off wiv god so corupts man(md by god) wiv apel.devl stays serpnt 4hole life&man ruind. Woe un2mnkind."

Meanwhile, the Associated Press reports that the New Testament has been translated into Gulla, a form of broken English "spoken by slaves and their descendants for generations along the sea islands of the Southeast coast." A sample:

"Fo God mek de wol, de Wod been dey. De Wod been dey wid God, an de Wod been God."--De Good Nyews Bout Jedus Christ Wa John Write 1:1.

This column, meanwhile, has been translated into Redneck, Jive and Pig Latin. We're still waiting for Taranto in Esperanto.

(Carol Muller helps compile Best of the Web Today. Thanks to Mordecai Bobrowsky, M. Gilbertson, Jim Orheim, Ruth Papazian, Michael Segal, Rosanne Klass, Ethel Fenig, Dan O'Shea, Niles Sigler, Ron Ackert, Douglas Litvin, Mark Murray, John Sanders, David Lemire, Drew Connor, Marion Dreyfus, Michael Goldman and Chris Nicastrai. If you have a tip, write us at opinionjournal@wsj.com, and please include the URL.)

Today on OpinionJournal:

• Review & Outlook: Have you heard the one about fair and balanced public TV?
• Louis Freeh: Why did the 9/11 Commission ignore "Able Danger"?
• Leo Banks: It's cowboys vs. eggheads in a New West showdown.
• Henry Miller: A California charter school success story.