by JAMES TARANTO
Thursday, September 4, 2003 2:18 P.M. EDT

Fast and Loose
Is Jayson Blair still fabricating stories? The New York Post reports that the disgraced erstwhile New York Times reporter has a new article in the works:

Blair has written a freelance piece for Jane magazine's "It Happened to Me" column: a first-person narrative about the affair that eventually forced the resignation of Blair and the paper's two top editors. . . .

He mentions some of the problems that led to his downfall and advises people not to do likewise. For instance? "If you take the company car from New York to Maryland for a personal trip, you might not want to get a speeding ticket and then throw it in the trash--only to have the business administrator discover it when a late notice arrives."

How could this possibly have happened? Was Blair using the business administrator's driver's license?

Come On, Get Happy
We know he's the leader of the Angry Left and all that, but couldn't Howard Dean lighten up a bit? Yesterday the erstwhile Vermont governor released a press statement denouncing the Bush administration over a State Department spokesman's bonbon mot:

"Rather than reaching out to our long-standing allies in NATO--the force best situated to help us stabilize Iraq--this Administration continues to practice a foreign policy based on petulance, this time referring derisively to Belgium, France, Germany, and Luxembourg as 'chocolate makers.' "

Here's the transcript of Richard Boucher's press conference:

Question: Mr. Boucher, do you have anything on the proposal for the creation of a European Union military headquarters in Brussels independent of NATO--something that have [sic] angered the United States, according to reports?

Boucher: I'm not quite sure what proposal that is. You mean the one from the four countries that got together and had a little, bitty summit?

Question: That's exactly it--and Belgium insisting to this--

Boucher: Yeah, the chocolate makers.

(laughter)

Boucher: Sorry. No--

Question: (inaudible)

Boucher: I think they have been referred to that way in the press. I shouldn't repeat things I see in the press.

Is Howard Dean really so humorless that he's up in arms over the possibility that Boucher hurt Belgium's little feelings? The Democrats have certainly fallen into a funk. Thirty-five years ago the party nominated Hubert Humphrey, the "happy warrior"; now it's giving us Howard Dean, the peevish peacenik.

Meanwhile, Sen. John Kerry, who by the way served in Vietnam, was spotted crying in New Hampshire, Reuters reports. Ostensibly Kerry was moved to tears over an unemployed woman's story, but the "news" service speculates that his mood may have been affected by ginger tea and brownies prepared for the haughty, French-looking Massachusetts Democrat, who by the way served in Vietnam, by his wife, "the outspoken ketchup heiress and philanthropist."

Whatever. We just wish these guys would cheer up. Some have cruelly dubbed the Democratic presidential field the "nine dwarfs," but a better designation might be the "brothers grim."

Comic Relief
We're relieved to learn that at least some on the left are funny, whether wittingly or not. The Times-Standard of Eureka, Calif., reports that in nearby Arcata, the City Council held a hearing on a resolution calling for the impeachment of President Bush:

"Id like to say to the people who want to wait until the next election, the last election wasn't authentic," said activist Brian Willson, a Veterans for Peace member. "The call for impeachment is not going to come from the top, it's going to come from the bottom."

The overwhelming majority of those who went to the microphones spoke the same theme.

Bush was called "a liar," "a war monger" and "a murderer."

The president was accused of waging war in Iraq for oil, passing tax cuts for the rich while beefing up the military and stealing the 2000 presidential election.

One man said the Arcata Police Department should issue an arrest warrant for Bush.

Yesterday we noted that a group styling itself the Counterconvention is planning a freak show to coincide with next year's Republican National Convention. A look at the "directory of groups" affiliated with the effort yields much hilarity. They include the Gastropod Liberation Organization ("dedicated to the liberation of snails slugs and other mollusks from people's dinner plates"), Mediocrity Now! ("Mega-Organization comprised of the Liberal Media, PTA, Hollywood Left, ACLU, and a bunch of of other hippie, assface, stinken, scumbag groups"), the Dead Parrot Society ("we have no affiliation with Monty Python that we are aware of") and others that are unprintable here.

This strikes us as too funny to have come from the left, however, instead bolstering our theory that the Counterconvention folks are actually right-wing agents provocateurs.

Stop the Presses
"Retired Gen. Clark Says He's a Democrat"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 3

Liberal Racism Wins One
Miguel Estrada has withdrawn himself from consideration as a nominee to serve on the U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia. Although a majority of senators supported Estrada's confirmation, 45 Democrats had used a filibuster to block it. The Wall Street Journal (link for WSJ.com subscribers) broke the news in an editorial this morning:

His withdrawal should embarrass Republicans who have been outwitted on judgeships by Ted Kennedy and Hillary Rodham Clinton, who are orchestrating the first filibusters of appellate-court nominations in American history. Democrats have paid no political price for raising the "advice and consent" standard for Senate confirmation to 60 votes from a simple majority.

In Mr. Estrada's case this is all the more outrageous because his only sin is being a smart Hispanic conservative. . . . Republicans may rationalize this defeat by noting that Mr. Estrada is just one nominee. Except he's one of many. Democrats are targeting for filibuster the best and brightest judicial conservatives, especially women and minorities.

The failure of the Estrada nomination is one reason to hope President Bush campaigns vigorously next year for Republican Senate candidates.

Why They Hate Us
Yes, it is because of our freedoms. Amir Taheri tells why in the New York Post:

"It is not the American war machine that should be of the utmost concern to Muslims. What threatens the future of Islam, in fact its very survival, is American democracy." This is the message of a new book, just published by al Qaeda in several Arab countries.

The author of "The Future of Iraq and The Arabian Peninsula After The Fall of Baghdad" is Yussuf al-Ayyeri, one of Osama bin Laden's closest associates since the early '90s. A Saudi citizen also known by the nom de guerre Abu Muhammad, he was killed in a gun battle with security forces in Riyadh last June. . . .

What Al-Ayyeri sees now is a "clean battlefield" in which Islam faces a new form of unbelief. This, he labels "secularist democracy." This threat is "far more dangerous to Islam" than all its predecessors combined. The reasons, he explains in a whole chapter, must be sought in democracy's "seductive capacities."

This form of "unbelief" persuades the people that they are in charge of their destiny and that, using their collective reasoning, they can shape policies and pass laws as they see fit. That leads them into ignoring the "unalterable laws" promulgated by God for the whole of mankind, and codified in the Islamic shariah (jurisprudence) until the end of time.

The goal of democracy, according to Al-Ayyeri, is to "make Muslims love this world, forget the next world and abandon jihad." If established in any Muslim country for a reasonably long time, democracy could lead to economic prosperity, which, in turn, would make Muslims "reluctant to die in martyrdom" in defense of their faith.

He says that it is vital to prevent any normalization and stabilization in Iraq. Muslim militants should make sure that the United States does not succeed in holding elections in Iraq and creating a democratic government. "If democracy comes to Iraq, the next target [for democratization] would be the whole of the Muslim world," Al-Ayyeri writes.

What was that again about Iraq having nothing to do with terrorism?

What Would We Do Without Ridge?
"Ridge Warns al-Qaida Still Targeting U.S."--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 3

'I Was Afraid'
London's Daily Telegraph notes another benefit of Iraq's liberation:

A spokesman for [Italy's Prime Minister Silvio] Berlusconi said the prime minister had been telephoned recently by Col Gaddafi of Libya, who said: "I will do whatever the Americans want, because I saw what happened in Iraq, and I was afraid."

Doesn't This Mean the Terrorists Will Have Won?
"Safer America Closed for Business on September 11"--headline, press release, Sept. 3

Depp Thoughts

"America is dumb, it's like a dumb puppy that has big teeth that can bite and hurt you, aggressive."--actor Johnny Depp, Sept. 3

"The only creatures that are evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants."--Johnny Depp, date unknown

Generalissimo Francisco Franco Is Still Dead--I
"Kim Jong Il Stays in Power"--headline, News24.com (South Africa), Sept. 3

Generalissimo Francisco Franco Is Still Dead--II
"Kim Il Sung, dead for almost a decade, remains head of state."--New York Times, Sept. 4

Only the Cutest Ones Got Any Attention at All
"Some Successful Models Ignored as Congress Works on Drug Bill"--headline, New York Times, Sept. 4

The World's Smallest Violin
"Striped jail uniforms are becoming more common because authorities think solid orange uniforms are too easily confused with clothes worn by trendy teens or highway and electrical workers," the Associated Press reports. Not everyone is happy about this trend, however; "Jefferson County [Colo.] sheriff's Sergeant Jim Pritchett says the biggest complaints about the stripes have come from female inmates who say horizontal stripes make them look heavier."

What Would Ruly Pupils Do Without Experts?
"Experts to Tackle Unruly Pupils"--headline, BBC Web site, Sept. 3

When Noses Begin to Smell
"Around 2,000 baboon noses were found in an abandoned suitcase at Amsterdam airport after they started to stink," the Associated Press reports. "The noses were en route from Lagos to the United States, apparently intended for an immigrant market."

"Baboons are protected under international law," the AP points out, quoting a Dutch customs spokesman who's sniffing out the culprits: "We assume these animals were killed." Then again, maybe not. Who nose?

Season's Greetings
Consider the human hand, one of nature's greatest wonders. With our hands we harvest food and we build things. Hands are also vital to communication, whether through a typed memo, a sign-language interpretation or a lover's caress. Little wonder hand is a metaphor for everything from skill ("he tried his hand") to help ("can I have a hand with this?") to matrimony ("he won her hand in marriage").

When we speak of someone "working with his hands" or engaging in "manual labor," we usually mean physically intensive work. But even those of us who work in offices rely on our hands to get the job done. Indeed, there is only one group of professionals whose hands are superfluous. We refer, of course, to soccer players. Oh well, at least soccer players use their heads--but they use them to hit the ball with!

Anyway, sorry to dwell on metric football, which we mention only as a segue into what's really important, namely that the real football season begins tonight. That's right, in less than seven hours toe meets leather as the 2003 NFL season kicks off. How about a big hand?

(Elizabeth Crowley helps compile Best of the Web Today. Thanks to Brit Hume, Mark Holtzman, Michael Morley, Gregg Butler, Barak Moore, Robert LeChevalier, Charlie Gaylord, Paul Music, Rick Reiss, Dan Calabrese, Pat Mizell, John Hartness, Dave Johns, Thomas Mayer, Jerome Marcus, Michael Siegel, Jerry Liberace, S.E. Brenner, Gabe Sunshine, Monty Krieger, Joel Goldberg, Michael Hatzimichalis, Erik Moy, Joe Deltoro, Mark Schulze, Matthew Noonan, Jeff Meling, Alexej Buergin, David Mead, Steve Harkins, Robey Newsom, David Ringelman, Raghu Desikan, David Schlosser, Edward Schulze, Michael Garrett and Jim Hopton. If you have a tip, write us at opinionjournal@wsj.com, and please include the URL.)

Today on OpinionJournal:

• Review & Outlook: Is Bush going wobbly on Iraq?
• Brendan Miniter: Rep. Jim Nussle takes on wasteful and fraudulent spending.
• Gary Rosen: A "New Democrat" offers some good policy ideas--and some bad ones.