by JAMES TARANTO
Wednesday, August 6, 2003 2:16 P.M. EDT

'Democracy' in Reuterville
Reuters, the anti-American "news" service, won't call Osama bin Laden a terrorist, at least without scare quotes. But it does think North Korea is a democracy. "N. Korea Hails 100 Percent Poll Support for Leader" reads the headline on a ludicrous dispatch:

North Korea said on Monday that polls in which voters gave leader Kim Jong-il 100 percent support showed the communist state was "firm as a rock" in the face of economic woes and isolation over its nuclear ambitions.

The 61-year-old Kim was one of 687 deputies elected unopposed on Sunday for seats in North Korea's rubber-stamp legislature, the Supreme People's Assembly.

North Korea's official KCNA news agency quoted the Central Election Committee as saying turnout was 99.9 percent of registered voters and that 100 percent of the votes were cast for the sole candidates.

Well, a quarter of a cheer to Reuters for its one bow to reality, the phrase rubber-stamp legislature. But if Reuterville's denizens used scare quotes to reflect reality rather than to obscure it, here's how they might have written the preceding three paragraphs:

North Korea said on Monday that "polls" in which "voters" gave "leader" Kim Jong-il 100 percent "support" showed the communist state was "firm as a rock" in the face of economic woes and isolation over its nuclear ambitions.

The 61-year-old Kim was one of 687 deputies "elected" unopposed on Sunday for seats in North Korea's rubber-stamp "legislature," the Supreme People's Assembly.

North Korea's official KCNA "news" agency quoted the Central "Election" Committee as saying turnout was 99.9 percent of registered "voters" and that 100 percent of the "votes" were cast for the sole "candidates."

Incidentally, this dispatch is datelined Seoul. If North Korea is such a democracy, how come Reuters can't even get a correspondent inside the country?

Profiles in Courage
"If it were before me today I would vote against it, because it doesn't have environmental or labor standards in it."--Sen. John Kerry, the haughty, French-looking Massachusetts Democrat, who by the way served in Vietnam, and who by the way voted for the North American Free Trade Agreement, explaining his position on Nafta to the AFL-CIO last night

The Ladies Man
"Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards is getting support from an unlikely source: homemakers," the Associated Press reports from Raleigh, N.C. Donors listing their occupation as "housewives" or "homemakers" have given more than $1 million to North Carolina's boyish senior senator--which is higher both as a dollar amount and as a percentage of total donations than any other Democratic candidate has received.

Does Edwards have some sort of sex appeal that will help him do better with female voters than anyone expects? Nah. The explanation is much simpler. As the AP notes, "many of those homemakers are married to lawyers."

Who Go? Hugo.
Democrats jumped for joy when they read this Associated Press headline: "Polls Finds [sic] 65 Percent Would Oust President if Given a Chance." But they fell back to earth when they saw that the dispatch was datelined Caracas, Venezuela.

Howard Dean for Sanitation Commissioner
The Washington Times relates this anecdote from the Howard Dean campaign:

Dean campaign manager Kate O'Connor was, perhaps, excited.

"We're back in Vermont for the day," she had messaged supporters. "We're in the office reintroducing ourselves to the people we work with!! And it sure is exciting here in the HQ!! Someone put a Coke can in the trash--and boy, was that a mistake! The Gov. noticed and reminded us that everything must be recycled!"

Does anyone really wish this trash nanny were the most powerful man in the world?

Metaphor Alert
From an online column by the Washington Post's Terry Neal (italics ours):

The energy in the Democratic Party at the moment is on the left. . . . Thus only one Democrat right now, former Vermont governor Howard Dean, seems to have any momentum. He has surged to the front of the pack by giving the party activists what they want--red meat attacks on an administration they despise.

Dean has appeared as a welcome breath of fresh air in contrast to the feckless, wimpy Washington Democrats--at least that's the way some of the activists perceive them. . . . While Dean has generated an avalanche of media coverage by surging into the first tier of candidates, the race is still wide open, and there's plenty of time left for any number of candidates to either emerge or fall off the map.

What a Lame Party
The Hill reports that when Congress adjourned for August, Rep. Nancy Pelosi, the House minority leader, sent her members home with a "recess packet" that "includes detailed instructions on how to throw a local party--a 38th birthday bash for Medicare." Among the advice: "Order your cake! Order a sheet cake with 'Happy Birthday Medicare' written on it." There's more:

The orders go on: "Buy additional party supplies. Be creative. Buy a 'Happy Birthday' tablecloth for the center table. Purchase disposable plates and utensils if the facility will not provide them. You may also wish to purchase additional party favors -- horns and whistles can be very useful to 'boo' the Republican agenda," suggests the document.

For Tuesday, lawmakers are reminded to "review supply check list. Confirm cake/food orders and make sure supply checklist is complete. Provide writing utensils and paper for seniors to complete letters to the editor."

On the day of the meeting, lawmakers are told to "arrive early" and then: "Set up tables. Spread a 'Happy Birthday' tablecloth on the center table, where cake will be placed. All other tables should have pens/pencils, writing paper, and copies of the sample letter to the editor."

In bold bullet-points the document commands lawmakers: "Know where the restrooms and telephones are located."

The paper says the party directions "have raised concerns among Democratic aides and lobbyists that Pelosi is developing a didactic style that can be too patronizing to be helpful."

Alarmism for Sale
Are "global warming" and similar scares really anything to worry about? A story in The Economist gives reason to think that environmental alarmism is a triumph of marketing rather than real science. The topic of the article is a new book by Sir Martin Rees called "Our Final Century" and subtitled "A Scientist's Warning: How Terror, Error, and Environmental Disaster Threaten Humankind's Future in This Century--on Earth and Beyond":

how does he justify his suggestion that mankind might have only a 50-50 chance of surviving the 21st century--our final century, to use the alarmist title of the book? Even before your correspondent could ask him that question at a recent literary event, Sir Martin confessed to being a fan of Bjorn Lomborg--a Danish academic who recently caused some controversy when he suggested that greens have been systematically distorting the fact that the environment has been getting healthier in many countries.

Sir Martin then took the reviewer's copy of "Our Final Century" and pencilled in a question mark after the title. His publishers had ruled it out. The American publishers even changed the title from "Our Final Century" to "Our Final Hour." Sir Martin is clever enough to know that the end is not nigh, but he put up with the chicanery in order to gain a wider audience. A small sin, perhaps, in such an important book.

Didn't we once hear that Al Gore's famous enviroporn book originated as a weight-loss tome called "Girth in the Balance"?

Heiss Genug für Dich?
Europe is in the midst of a heat wave, reports Agence France-Presse, and Germany is taking drastic measures: "In Germany state workers in the capital Berlin were given the right to leave their desks once temperatures hit 29 degrees--which they have--on the grounds that working conditions are too difficult. It was unclear how many were taking advantage of the rule."

Twenty-nine degrees? Isn't that below freezing? Well, no, it turns out these are metric degrees. Still, this site converts metric degrees to regular degrees, and it turns out 29 degrees metric is still only 84 degrees in the rest of the world. Are the Germans really that sensitive to heat, or is this just an excuse to knock off work?

It's hot in England, too, and the Sun tabloid quotes a spokesman for the Met Office, the office British meteorological agency, as attributing the heat to "very hot air" that's blown in from France. Figures.

What Was the First Clue?
"Terrorists Suspected in Indonesia Blast"--headline, Memphis Commercial Appeal, Aug. 6

What Would We Do Without Some?
"Some See Link to Group Accused in Bali Bombings"--headline, Boston Globe, Aug. 6

What Would We Do Without Antiterrorism Experts?
"Antiterrorism Experts Warn More Attacks May Be Coming"--headline, New York Times, Aug. 5

It's the Eponymy, Stupid
"More Attacks, Warns Downer"--headline, News.com.au, Aug. 6

Terrorist Tots?
"Smaller Babies Tied to Sept. 11"--headline, (Long Island) Newsday, Aug. 6

Onion Stories We Wish Life Would Imitate
"An international peace-crimes tribunal commenced legal proceedings against former U.S. President Jimmy Carter for alleged crimes against inhumanity Monday," the Onion "reports."

If Only We Had an Emperor
"Hiroshima Mayor Says U.S. Worships Nuclear Arms as 'God' "--headline, Japan Today, Aug. 6

That Must've Hurt
"Chiefs Tackle Jones out of Hospital"--headline, Associated Press, Aug. 6

Have You Stopped Beating Your Statute Yet?
"DNA Used to Beat Statute of Limitations"--headline, Washington Times, Aug. 5

Generalissimo Francisco Franco Is Still Dead
"Americans Continue to Apply for Mortgages"--headline, Reuters, Aug. 6

Stop the Presses
"If Warhol Were Alive at 75, He'd Likely Be on the Internet"--headline, Associated Press, Aug. 5

Her Bark Is Worse Than Her Bite
From an article about teeth by Natalie Angier in Sunday's New York Times magazine:

Keeping one's indigenous teeth is not just a matter of convenience or nostalgia. Dentures reduce chewing power about 20 percent, depriving their owners of many foods that may be healthy like apples, corn on the cob and tree bark.

Tree bark? They say a barking dog never bites, but you have to be pretty dogged to bite bark.

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Today on OpinionJournal:

• Review & Outlook: The bond market throws the economy a curve.
• John Fund: The California recall has more surprises in store.
• Michael Gonzalez: The BBC is blind to its own biases.
• James Taranto: Politicians can run, but can they blog?