by JAMES TARANTO
Tuesday, February 26, 2002 3:32 P.M. EST

Osama bin Had
This Osama bin Laden is no rocket scientist. "An analysis of suspected radioactive substances seized in Afghanistan has found nothing to prove that Osama bin Laden reached his decade-long goal of acquiring nuclear materials for a bomb," the New York Times reports (link requires registration). "The analysis of suspicious canisters, computer discs and documents conducted by the government suggests, in fact, that Mr. bin Laden and Al Qaeda may have been duped by black-market weapons swindlers selling crude containers hand-painted with skulls and crossbones and dipped, perhaps, in medical waste to fool a Geiger counter, officials said."

Back in November, we noted that a document found in an al Qaeda house in Kabul, purportedly giving instructions for building a nuclear weapon, was actually a 1979 article from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, a satirical magazine.

Yankee, Stay Here
The Times also reports on a pro-American rally in the Philippine city of Zamboanga. Nearly 2,000 people gathered for "the largest rally here in many years" to thank Americans for helping the fight against the Abu Sayyaf terrorist group. "Americans should stay, forever," 72-year-old Crispina Bayot Marquez tells the Times. "They are like angels that have come from heaven, to save Filipinos."

Jose Mari "Bong" Bue, an editor of the Zamboga Daily Times declared: "We challenge those who say that we don't need the American soldiers to go to Basilan and fight the Abu Sayyaf themselves. If they cannot or if they have no guts to take our challenge, then just shut up and give us the chance to live a normal life, which we feel we could get as an aftermath of this joint R.P.-U.S. military exercise."

Nicholas Kristof, are you listening?

Euro-Catfight Over Iraq!
The Germans are mad at the British because the British are willing to help the Americans liberate the Iraqis. Gert Weisskirschen, spokesman for the ruling Social Democrats, says he's afraid that "Arabic members would not feel loyal" to the anti-terror coalition if it attacked Iraq. Like they feel loyal now? Adds foreign minister Joschka Fischer: "Only when Europe has a common foreign and security policy, as we have a single market and single currency, will we be taken seriously."

Don't worry, Josch--it's unlikely you'll be taken seriously in any case. As an editorial in the Telegraph notes, "To the extent that there is such a thing as a common European foreign policy--which is, thank goodness, not very much--its cornerstone appears to be the protection of Saddam Hussein."

Great Moments in Humanitarian Aid
Red Cross representatives are visiting the "marastoon"--a cross between shelter and prison--in Afghanistan, which is run by the Afghan Red Crescent Society and where Asmatullah Saba has been held, in chains, for 35 years. "No one recalls why Mr. Saba was sent to the marastoon," the New York Times notes (link requires registration). The Times quotes Saba begging for blankets and asking for a book to read.

So what's the Red Cross doing about Saba's plight? "It's appalling," Red Crosser Gianni Bacchetta says. "One of my second priorities is to go in and make an assessment." His first priority, natch, is to see to the comfort of Taliban and al Qaeda captives.

These Bouts Were Made for Gun-Running
"U.S. and European law enforcement officials say they have scored an important advance in their efforts to disrupt what some officials describe as the biggest weapons-trafficking network in the world, responsible for supplying the Taliban and terrorist groups from al Qaeda in Afghanistan to the Abu Sayyaf in the Philippines, as well as rebel forces in Africa," the Washington Post reports.

"A suspected top associate of Bout's is under arrest in Belgium, and investigators say he is providing fresh, inside information on how the arms network functions." Bout, an ex-Soviet military officer, is based in the United Arab Emirates.

Poison Pen
Despite FBI denials, the Washington Times continues to chase the story of the anthrax suspect. Today the paper reports that someone sent an anonymous letter fingering Egyptian-born biochemist Ayaad Assaad, who formerly worked at the U.S. Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases at Fort Detrick, Md. Assad was interviewed Oct. 2 and cleared of any involvement, but the Times now says the letter was an attempt by the suspect--"an unnamed co-worker"--"to deflect the bureau's investigation from himself."

Our Friends the Saudis
Well, the Friedman-Abdullah peace plan sure didn't last long. Ha'aretz reports (third item) that Riyadh has declared, through a newspaper editorial, that "no official Saudi-Israeli visits will be held to discuss a recently floated land-for-peace proposal until an Arab-Israeli settlement is reached." The Saudi position, in other words, amounts to: Give us land now, and maybe we'll give you peace later.

Why Do Good People Do, Uh, 'Terrible' Things?
Georgetown University offers GOVT 463, a class in "Political Terrorism." Here's the course description (low on page):

This course is not about passing moral judgments on terrorism and terrorists. Its first objective is to understand terrorism as an alternative political action that certain people and organizations resort to under certain conditions. Its second objective is to figure out the evolutionary dynamics of terrorism and to answer the most significant question about the terrorist phenomenon: how and why do good people get involved in committing terrible acts. The course tries to reach these objectives through the study of historical cases as well as theoretical discussions. Though short, the course covers terrorist organizations from the French Revolutionaries to September 11, 2001

At the Hop
A Los Angeles Times account of a party in Kandahar includes a rather poignant quote from a relative of Afghanistan's fashionable, globetrotting interim head:

As three Afghan men swung their arms and swayed to music once banned by the Taliban, wide-eyed Afghans at a religious fete hosted by a regional warlord watched another landmark event unfold.

Among the 400 U.S. and Canadian guests of Kandahar Gov. Gul Agha Shirzai, three female American soldiers rose to mimic the dance, their M-4 rifles bouncing off their swinging hips--this in the conservative birthplace of the Taliban, where many women have yet to doff their head-to-toe burkas. In the back of the cavernous tent, 22-year-old Fazal Amad Karzai broke into a broad grin.

"I have never seen women dance," Karzai, who said he was a cousin of interim Prime Minister Hamid Karzai, explained in English. "I want to make my sister and my daughter to be free. I want to free my women. This is the happiest day of my life. I am almost crying."

Osama bin Laden's followers, by contrast, have seen women dance. The Sept. 11 hijackers were known to frequent strip clubs.

Great Moments in Security
Caroline Horrigan was randomly selected to be scanned--or "scannered," as she puts it--on a flight out of Orlando, Fla., the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reports, explaining the rationale:

Caroline was "scannered" because, like 260 million other Americans, she is now subject to the randomness of life after Sept. 11. Life was random before then, but it had not been entered into airline computers, now equipped with software designed to tick out assorted passengers for a thorough once-over.

The theory is to keep would-be malefactors off-balance. After the magnetometer, the luggage search, the hairy eyeball of the uniformed National Guardsmen at the gate, the system has configured itself to suggest that there is still another chance that someone will be given a body check with a magnetic wand.

Oh yeah, Caroline is three years old. Her mother, Courtney, asked the security agent if he'd ever scanned a three-year-old. "Actually he said he had just done two in the prior hour," she tells the paper. Don't you feel safe?

Meanwhile in Utah, the Olympic closing ceremony turned into a disclosing one. "Secret Service agents shopping for Olympics souvenirs lost a document detailing security plans for Vice President Dick Cheney's appearance at the closing ceremony," the Associated Press reports, citing the Salt Lake Tribune.

Stupidity Watch
"When George Bush says God will bring justice to evil nations, I say to America, 'Duck,' " says Michael Eric Dyson, a professor at DePaul University, at a Philadelphia conference of black leaders.

Steve Friess, an American expat who's just returned from Beijing, offers these insights on Sept. 11, which he watched on CNN:

The world is stunned to find the legacy of Sept. 11 is an enlarged American ego, not a chastened sense that we must try to co-exist better in the global community. Others keep hearing how America has "changed forever" and how Americans are now more cooperative and selfless. But in only five months--well short of "forever"--that "patriotism" has eroded what we claim are American principles and has led to more, not less, isolationism and insolence.

This newfound patriotism amounted not to an opportunity for Americans to act as better domestic or global citizens but to feel even more superior to the rest of the planet. And that is how we got into this mess in the first place.

Krugman Watch
Is he just yanking our chain, or is he really this dense? Former Enron adviser Paul Krugman concludes his New York Times column today (links require registration) with the following "clarification":

My Feb. 22 column mentioned "line 47" in this year's 1040. What I said was correct, but has been subject to misinterpretation, most of it innocent, some of it deliberate. Let me say it another way: Most people think that they received both a rebate and a tax cut. But the rebate was only an advance on the tax cut; it must be counted against the refund you would otherwise receive. Hundreds of thousands of early filers have already gotten this wrong. The effect is to give many people a rude shock, which is not what this economy needs.

We explained this Saturday, but let's have another go at it, shall we? Krugman apparently is unaware of a concept called "withholding." Most of us pay most of our income taxes every time we get a paycheck, rather than in a lump sum on April 15.

People did get "both a tax cut and a rebate." The rebate covered the reduction in the tax rate on the first $6,000 of income ($12,000 for married couples), which took effect Jan. 1. Reductions of rates in higher brackets became effective midyear and were not part of the rebate. Because the rebate checks started going out around the middle of the year, at least half of each check did, contrary to Krugman, cover taxes that had already been paid. Those with over $6,000 of taxable income saw the amount of tax withheld go down when the tax cuts in higher brackets took effect.

Krugman's complaint--which in his earlier column was part of a broadside against the president--seems to amount to nothing more substantial than that some taxpayers have been flummoxed by the 1040 and ended up claiming a refund bigger than they're entitled to. Does he really think New York Times readers are dumb enough to think it's President Bush's fault that tax forms are confusing?

Would You Like Kimchi With Those Sour Grapes?
South Koreans are up in arms over their man's losing the gold medal in the 1,500-meter short-track skating competition to American Apolo Ohno, the Los Angeles Times reports from Seoul. Kim Seong Ho, a legislator from the ruling party, said in a speech to the National Assembly: "This kind of American arrogance, which disregards international justice and the pureness of sports, reflects U.S. President George W. Bush's unilateral diplomatic policies." A posting on a Korean Web site read: "The U.S. is the axis of evil in sports."

Were There Any African-Americans on the Korean Team?
The Web site for Black Entertainment Television includes the following blurb for a news story: "Vonetta Flowers becomes the first African American, from any country, to win gold at the Winter Olympics."

Right Said Paula--II
CNN's Paula Zahn, interviewing investigative journalist Lowell Bergman, made the following statement:

Let's talk about this culture for women at Enron, because Vanity Fair reports in next month's issue that there actually was this so-called "hottie board" that was openly displayed at Enron headquarters, and here's a quote from that piece: "A vice president openly displayed a 'hottie board,' on which he ranked the sexual allure of Enron women." That certainly had to promote the culture where you might want to be a whistle-blower, particularly if a male boss was involved.

Hmm, don't they have something similar at CNN?

Life Imitates the Onion
The Seattle Times article on child care we highlighted yesterday turns out to be highly derivative of a piece in the Onion:

Taking measures to improve the safety and welfare of America's children, the FBI unveiled a sweeping new program Monday mandating comprehensive background checks for all U.S. child-care providers. The program, which bureau officials hope will reduce child abuse and neglect, does not affect the nation's approximately 150 million child-havers. Said FBI director Louis Freeh: "To those who would prey on our nation's innocent children, this sends a loud, clear message: Get your own kids." . . .

Brenda Furness, an unemployed Macon, GA, mother of seven, was equally pleased. Above: FBI director Louis Freeh announces his plan to exhaustively screen all child-care workers. Child-havers (right) will continue to go unscreened. "They definitely oughta run checks to make sure all them people who work with kids are qualified," said Furness, serving her children their usual dinner of mayonnaise on crackers and Dr. Pepper. "Who knows what kind of unfit people are looking after our children? Billy Joe, quit playing with that saw and get your ass to the table this second 'fore I knock the rest of your teeth out!"

Pops Is a Popsicle
"A French couple who were frozen when they died in the hope that medical advances would one day revive them are facing a thaw at the hands of local authorities," the BBC reports. When Monique Martinot died in 1984, her husband, Raymond, put her on ice. Last week he died, and his son stuck him in the same fridge. "What has been done is outlawed in France," a prosecutor tells the BBC. "In this country, bodies must either be cremated or buried."

The BBC notes that "many European countries have legislation in place restricting the preservation of dead bodies in such a way." For that matter, it's also awfully difficult to get ice in a European restaurant.

News From the Animal Kingdom
An Englishwoman who threw an iguana at a policeman was convicted of "inflicting unnecessary suffering on the lizard," the Associated Press reports. But 47-year-old Susan Wallace--known locally as the Lizard Lady"--will be allowed to keep the reptile.

Meanwhile, a cow went on the lam in Ohio. The Cincinnati Post reports that "since escaping from a local slaughterhouse by jumping a 6-foot fence at Ken Meyer Meats in Camp Washington Feb. 15, the 1,200-pound cow has become daily fodder for radio talk shows, TV newscasts and office chatter." One local disk jockey has dubbed the bovine bolter "Moo-sama bin Laden." The cow was finally caught late last night.

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Also on OpinionJournal:

• Review & Outlook: Meet Ralph Neas and John Edwards, the new Dixiecrats (link requires registration).
• Tom Bray: Three cheers for America's Olympics.
• Tunku Varadarajan: Pat Robertson had a point. That's why he should have kept his mouth shut.